Hot for Slayer

Like any good immortal should, this vampire likes to see history in the making. We meet our duo at the fall of the Berlin Wall. Ethel’s there for a good time. Lazlo is there to kill her. She runs. He chases. The usual.

Ethel loses her headstart after stopping to help a child find his mother. (A bleeding heart joke wasn’t made, and I feel like that’s a wasted opportunity.) Once Lazlo catches up and backs Ethel up against a wall, they proceed to stab each other in their torsos.

This romantic reunion is cut short when some journalists notice them speaking English and ask for an interview. Ethel and Lazlo (somehow) inconspicuously unsheathe their blades from the other’s body. Ethel walks away with her new friends, and Lazlo stays the hell away from the journalists. Which, mood.

Here, we get a quick rundown of Ethel’s childhood: Abandoned at a nunnery as soon as a brother was born. Caused trouble for the abbess by having dreams, wanting to laugh (the audacity), and wishing for a future full of companionship. Created a found family. Watched said family be murdered by vampires. The works.

Back in the present, Ethel continues to disappoint people by still wanting companionship and choosing not to deal with the new vampire who showed up in her neighborhood. Her little slice of life sounds cozy. (She was adopted by trash pandas.) I wouldn’t want to ruin it either.

New-in-town dirtbag vampire takes offense at Ethel’s indifference and jumps her in Central park. She kicks his ass and leaves him there, which just pisses him off. Dirtbag vamp ambushes Ethel at her home and leaves her tied to a chair waiting for the sun.

Lazlo takes offense to THAT. The three engage in a scuffle that leaves Dirtbag in the sun, and Lazlo shielding Ethel from both the sun and falling debris. He knocked himself out. All heroic like.

Once Ethel drags them both to a part of the building that’s not in direct sunlight, she debates killing him while he’s defenseless. (Fair. He’s cut off her chin before.) He wakes up and has no idea who either of them are.

Amnesic Lazlo is already fed up with this situation. He’s instantly aware that he knows too much to be normal, while at the same time not remembering anything of importance. And to top it all off? There’s this woman that clearly knows him and has answers, but she refuses to speak truthfully.

What follows is Ethel doing a poor job of convincing Lazlo that they’re mundane people. After much back and forth, she settles for the totally believable backstory that he’s an exterminator and she’s an entomologist. Complete strangers, but also nemeses.

God forbid a man sleeps during the day. When Lazlo decides to take a nap, Ethel fails yet again at killing him. She even had a knife to his throat. How kinky.

We’re brought back to the past to learn that Ethel loves live rock music. She even tried her hand at being a singer-songwriter for a night, and managed to publicly embarrass Lazlo while doing so.

The only logical solution to not knowing where you live is to follow the the person who says you’re enemies home. Obviously.

Lazlo treats Ethel to his commentary of modern day New York while they walk back to her apartment. Meanwhile, she argues with herself on the intelligence of bringing the man who’s sole job it is to kill you home. Could’ve let him go to the hospital, but no, Ethel had to save him from being discovered.

Once they’re home, Lazlo looks into a mirror and promptly buffers. Because he’s handsome? No, because his eyes are yellow. Such a shame that we don’t find out what color he was expecting.

While Lazlo is showering, Ethel sneaks out to go buy him some food. Quite the daunting task for someone who hasn’t done so in centuries! (She makes the wonderful decision to grab a shit-ton of mac & cheese.) Miss I’ve-Lived-Alone-Most-of-My-Life returns to her apartment and gets her buffering moment when she’s greeted by a nearly naked Lazlo.

Wearing just a towel lets Ethel see and appreciate all of the tattoos Lazlo has collected over the centuries. She even gets to touch! Granted, it’s because Lazlo has a piece of glass stuck below his ribs, but still.

After Ethel thoroughly destroys her kitchen in an attempt to make food, Lazlo starts another interrogation. He still doesn’t remember anything, but they learn they’re not too different after all. Except for lying. Ethel is terrible at that.

While they’re washing dishes together, Ethel suddenly remembers that Lazlo needs to sleep, and she doesn’t have a bed. Which leads me to think she’s never brought a partner home. Poor girl must be dying to get laid.

While Ethel is busy freaking out over her lack of bed, Lazlo thinks with his head (ba dum tsss) and provides the only logical solution: sharing the couch.

I absolutely adore this scene. Lazlo picking Ethel up and simply placing her beside him. Her little “oh” as he does so. How she keeps trying to find excuses to the point he bluntly tells her to stop. The way he subtly professes his instinctual love before falling asleep.

It’s all so cute. 💜

Upon waking up, Ethel remembers that Lazlo needs to eat and heads out for another grocery run. (She calls the fact that his kind needs food multiple times a day absurd, which is absolutely hilarious to me, because my AuDHD partner has said that same thing soooooo many times lol)

The two fall into a kind of domestic peace. After Ethel comes back from the store again, they each ‘avenge their murdered families’ by accidentally decimating some poor food items with their supernatural abilities. The rest of the day is filled with cooking, sudoku, weapon cleaning, and some card games.

Our nemeses have their first not-date: A Halloween festival! Lazlo is absolutely adorable. He samples the food, hands out $100 bills to children in lieu of candy, holds hands with Ethel, and even gets annoyed at a fortune teller.

Ramping up the romance, Lazlo also takes Ethel down a semi-deserted alleyway and tries to get information out of her. In the midst of Ethel arguing that they’ve never been intimate, Lazlo stops her with a kiss. She bluescreens for a moment to marvel at how nice it is, then backpedals at the audacity of those feelings and tries to talk her way out of it.

Suddenly: An interruption approaches wearing an Edward Cullen mask! Ethel throws Lazlo out of the way (into a wall) just as she realizes who it is.

Leave it to Dirtbag to cock block a couple that’s just starting to explore. He’s healed and pissed, which is a terrible combination for Ethel. As he starts gaining the upper hand in their fight, she realizes that he isn’t a newbie like she first thought, but an ancient vampire.

Just as he’s about to finish Ethel off, Dirtbag is decapitated. Lazlo is conscious again, and he remembers everything.

Ethel immediately attacks Lazlo, pinning him to the wall with a knife to his throat. (Again, kinky.) The strange part? It seems like he let her. He’s looking at Ethel like he cares about her. Stranger still, Ethel can’t quite bring herself to follow through with killing Lazlo.

Lazlo gladly offers himself up, if only she’ll first answer a simple question. And suddenly, It’s Ethel’s turn to remember.

We’re once again brought to the past. This memory was actually relaxing to read. It’s soothing tone made this my favorite chapter.

During the time of Italian aristocracy, Ethel comes across a group of immoral outlaws who just attacked some people on the road. After thoroughly indulging herself on them, she finds that the sole survivor of the attacked is a little noble boy, the duca. He’s not at all fazed by her actions. Instead, he’s intrigued and sees her as safe. Ethel visits him years later, and the two stayed good friends for the rest of his life. Never lovers, but they possessed an incredibly intimate relationship.

After the duca’s death, his daughters honor him with a ball. Ethel attends and meets a man who immediately triggers her flight response. Instead of fleeing, she accepts his offer to dance.

As they dance, the man asks about Ethel’s relationship with the duca. It prompts a rather deep response. One that encapsulates the type of friends I hope to always have. The man startles, obviously not expecting such a response. Once Ethel turns back to him, he’s gone.

Ethel and Lazlo finally talk things out. After the dirtbag vampire is chopped up into little pieces, of course.

Lazlo explains that their conversation at the ball changed his perspective on vampires. No longer were they a soulless evil that brought doom to the world. Now they were actual people. With their own thoughts, feelings, and the ability to bring happiness to others.

Observing Ethel and two other vampires in her bloodline allowed Lazlo to form his own opinions. He leaves the Slayer Guild and sets about stalking trailing Ethel. Getting close to her through violence and and enjoying her little acts of kindness towards others.

Once Ethel tries to excuse herself to rest and feed, Lazlo offer her the greatest gift he can. His blood.

Ethel learns about the joys of biting your partner during sex. It just so happens that she gets a meal out of it.

Just a single page, but still filled with so much emotion. It reads almost like a love letter, or someone happily daydreaming about the past, present, and future all at once. Content.